When Life Feels Complicated

A little backstory. Even before Mike and I entered into a relationship back in 2010, he already shared to me almost everything about his past... his dark, messed up, ugly, complicated past. I was shocked by his story at first, but at the same time, I was amazed with how God could turn someone's life upside down and use it to lead people to Him. In fact, it was Mike's life testimony that inspired me to also seek a deeper relationship with Jesus.

Part of his past was a baby that he chose not to acknowledge because he wasn't ready to face the responsibility back then. For nine years, he hasn't heard anything about his ex and their baby, until a few months ago, she tried to reconnect with him, and with me through facebook (we are very grateful to her for reaching out to us). Mike is no longer the same person that he used to be and we both know that we have do what is right and obey what God is telling us to do. We decided to once and for all confront the past, take responsilibity, and welcome the child as part of our family.

To be honest, the first few weeks after I had my first communication with the mother of the child was the hardest. Even if I was already aware of the possibility that a child would one day claim Mike as her dad, having to face the reality that it was now happening was not easy.

I have always had this mental picture of the kind of life that I want to have for my family -- Me and Mike, and the number of children that I dream for us to have... how the rooms of our children would look like, our homeschooling journey, our family travels, etc.. etc.. When Shiko was born, I knew that it was the start of God fulfilling every dream and prayer that I have for our family. I guess the harderst struggle that I've had to face in this season was to let go of those dreams and imaginations that kept me awake at night for many years, and to accept that God has a different plan for our family.

I remember a night when I was crying while asking God, "Lord, I know that this is what is right, and this is Your will... Pero kaya ko po ba talagang harapin itong path kung saan mo kami dinadala?" 

And God spoke a gentle whisper in my heart while I was reading a Loop Devotion, He said, "My Princess Misce, I will not bring you to a place where I will not be... " 

I told Him, "But Lord, this is just too hard, too complicated, too uncomfortable for me..", And He once again answered, "I have work for you to do with Me, yes. We will go and I will push you to lean on Me and trust Me and do things uncomfortable for you to do alone... I am here with you, holding your hand, not leaving your side. I am enough. My presence is enough... You are not made to cower and fret and wring your hands. You are made to walk with eyes up, head held high, so you can see the path I take you. Together we go, just one step at a time, and into territory that may be unknown but will be safe and familiar too . . . because I will be there." 

Most of the time, obeying and doing the will of God feels uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, because surrendering to God's will means death. Death to our own plans, our own dreams, our own desires... desire to be in control, desire to just always play it safe.  But this death leads us to experience the presence of God in the most intimate way... this death, this total surrender and reckless obedience leads us to where God wants to bring us... This death leads us to the true life.

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.  For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." -- Matthew 16:24‭-‬25 NASB

While my dream is to have a simple, happy family with a comfortable life, God's plan is to bring healing and restoration to every area of Mike's life. For him to receive forgiveness from the mother of his child so he could be completely set free from the guilt and the shame of his sinful past. For a daughter to experience the love of her real father -- a father that would protect her, provide for her, comfort her, and lead her to Jesus. God's plan is to make all things (yes, ALL, including all the skeletons in our closets) to work together for good, and use them for His glory. God's dreams for our lives are always bigger and better that what we can imagine.

When life feels complicated, I fix my eyes on Jesus, and He untangles all complications. With my pillow soaked with tears I came to Him. I opened my hands and laid these complications at His feet. God reminded me of His purpose for me and all of a sudden my life is simplified again. God did not put me on earth to just live a comfortable life, be happy and die. My purpose is to glorify Him, to let His light shine through my life, and use this little light of mine to lead people to Him. God made me to be Mike's wife, for such time as this. Coleen may not be my biological daughter, but more than a Stepmother, I could be her Spiritual Mom. I could pour out my life to her and share the love of Jesus to her. I dream to one day see her passionately in love with Jesus too. I dream to one day see her serving God, fulfilling God's purpose for her life, and making an impact to her generation. It will be such a privilege for me to somehow be a part of God's plan for her life. Now, that is bigger than my original, earthly dream. God gave me a new dream once again, a dream that would impact eternity.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." - Colossians 3:2 NIV

As of the moment, we're still waiting for God to lead us towards the next step that He wants us to take. We know that His ways and timing are always perfect so we continue to trust Him as we look forward to spending more time and creating new family memories with Coleen.