Survival Mode Mothering

I never expected it to be easy, but I never imagined that it was going to be THIS hard. As soon as we came home from the hospital with Baby Shiloh, our world turned upside down. It was a mix of emotions -- the joy of welcoming a new baby in our family, and the grief over the loss of quality time that I used to have with my firstborn. I missed him, our playtime, our reading time, our snuggles, everything that we used to have during the last two and a half years. And then there was guilt, because no matter how hard I try, I couldn't give my second baby the same undivided attention and affection that I was able to give his Kuya Shiko during his time. Then the sleepless nights began as we started establishing our routine -- breastfeeding, changing diapers, and rocking Shiloh to sleep. The hardest was helping Shiko cope with his new life as a big brother while at the same time maintaining the discipline and bounderies that we've established on him. What's worse was when Shiko would throw tantrums and Shiloh would join him in crying too. I thought I was going to loose my sanity.

Even my marriage was on survival mode. Mike and I could hardly have the time to talk and spend time together because, both of us are already worn out by the time that our kids are already asleep. I am blessed to have a husband who helps me out with the household chores, but I envy that he could go out for a spa or coffee and unwind after a long day, while I remain stuck at home tandem nursing my newborn and toddler 24/7. 

If it was Post Partum Depression or just a roller coaster of emotions, I am not so sure. But I found myself crying every night, feeling exhausted, tired, and alone. Alone, because I felt that not even my husband would understand what I was going through. Alone, because I didn't want to open up to anyone for fear that I will only be judged -- because I wanted this, I dreamed of this, prayed for this, I waited for this... to be a mom... but now that my children are here, I wanted space.  I wanted to suck myself up inside a cocoon where no one could bother me. 

No, I do not regret having children, and I love them with all my heart, but it felt like I was drowning, and I was gasping for air. I needed a little time and space to escape my reality, to enter a different world. And that's what I did. I  put on my earphones and started listening to the music that I used to listen to. I played songs that brought me back to the middle of the concert grounds where I used to sing, shout, and jump while wearing my dirty black and pink chucks. Have I been missing the good 'ol days? Actually, what I've been missing was the freedom that I used to have.

And then I found an online streaming of the teleserye 'Forevermore' . This is the only series that I watched since One Tree Hill, and the original Meteor Garden. I don't like watching series because it's addicting, but this time, I just allowed myself to  enjoy the love story of Agnes and Xander in La Presa. It gave me something to look forward to every night as I wait for Shiko and Shiloh to be both settled and asleep.

After watching 148 epidsodes in 3 weeks, my migraine was triggered and our data cap consumed... but hey, it was a huge help! I didn't notice that two months have passed and things are starting to get better. Shiloh is now sleeping longer through the night. Shiko has somehow learned to adjust to having a little brother. Mike and I are talking again, even for just a few hours a day... and I am no longer in the cycle of crying every night. I am now starting to feel better! I survived!

But of course, I didn't just want to survive...I want to bear fruit, to prosper, to flourish once again. And then I am reminded of my #OneWord for this year -- ABIDE.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5

Sometimes, my prayer time would  just be me pouring my heart out, telling God how tired and exhausted I am. There are even days when there are no words, just tears. Sometimes, my prayer time would be thinking about the things that I could be thankful for throughout the day -- a friend who messaged me on facebook at just the right time when I was feeling lonely, my husband coming home with my favorite food and milk tea, a random kiss and "I love you" from my toddler, and reading an exact Bible verse that I need to refresh my soul.  I know that no matter what, no matter how, I need to keep a constant communication with God, that's how I abide.

I know that I still have a long, long way to go in this new season of my motherhood journey but I am learning to take it all in. To forgive myself whenever I fail. To live  one day at a time, and to even document the hard days, so that one day I could look back and tell myself that, "Hey, once upon a time it was this hard, but look... by the grace of God, you didn't just survive! You thrived!"