The Blessing in the Waiting

I suck at waiting. I hate falling in line for bank transactions, I hate falling in line in mall comfort rooms, I just hate long lines and being put on queue. I love fast food, I love instant noodles, and I love vendo machines. I always find ways to rush and get things done right away. That was me, impatient and impulsive.

In 2010, I met a guy who was far more impatient than I was. We decided to get married only 2 months after getting to know each other. We've suffered the consequences and missed out so many things because of our rush decisions. But God, (I love those two words!) He loves us so much, and little did we know that He was about to teach us a lesson that we will never forget.

After we got married in 2010, we longed to have children. Actually, I longed for it more than Mike did. Maybe it was because of feeling pressured whenever relatives or friends ask us when we plan to have kids. The longing (and the pressure) just got stronger and stronger as years passed by without a positive pregnancy test result.

In 2012, i finally got pregnant. We thought that was it, but nine weeks later, I miscarried. A month later, we found out that I had an auto-immune disease which would cause a lot of complications in case I am going to get pregnant again.

That was a very hard season for me. I cried out to God and honestly poured out all my confusion, fear, and helplessness to Him. Few months later, my husband told me that he wanted me to stay home and leave the role of providing financially to him so I won't get stressed and I can prepare my body for future pregnancy.

My pride could not accept that I would ever fully depend on my husband for provision. I've always been an achiever. I have a degree, and I was determined to build a career and prove to the world what I can do. Being a stay-at-home wife was never the kind of life that I dreamed for myself. It was very hard for me to let go of my own plans, but I knew very well that this was God's will for me as He confirmed it so many times during my quiet moments with Him. Eventually, I obeyed.

I obeyed even though I was like a child kicking and tossing myself on the floor. I obeyed with eyes filled with tears. I obeyed even when I was sinking in self-pity as I asked God, "What now? I have no career and I have no children. What would other people say about me?"

I never expected that my life was going to drastically change because of that simple act of (heavy hearted) obedience. During those months of being home alone, I had all the time in the world to read and study the Bible. I found myself kneeling in worship, in awe as He started opening my eyes for who He really is. The more I read His Word, the more I got to know Him and His mind blowing love for a sinner like me. In my waiting season, God taught me to fall so deeply in love with Him.

Even when I was enjoying my relationship

with God, the waiting season still hurt. I was hurt year after year as I watched our relatives' children run around and excitedly open their gifts during Christmas Day. I was hurt whenever we passed by the childrens' section of the department store. I was hurt by the insensitive jokes and unsolicited advices of people who mean well but have no idea of how it feels like to be in my shoes. I was hurt with every negative PT result and everytime my period begins. I was hurt whenever I read new baby announcements in facebook and new baby shower invitations. I wanted to be happy for my friends and relatives, but their fruitfulness only magnified my own emptiness and longing. I never doubted God's power and ability to give us a child, and what hurts the most is that He was choosing not to. "Why, God? Why are you being generous to everyone else but not to me?" This was my honest cry to Him.

He never answered my "Why" questions, but He once again revealed Himself to me through His Word:

"For the LORD God is our sun and our shield... The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." - Psalm 84:11

God lights my path and protects me. He is not a withholder of blessings. If He doesn't give it to me, it means that it is not good for me (yet). I've held on to this verse eversince and it never failed to comfort me. In my waiting season, God taught me to stand upon His promises, and to not judge Him based on my circumstances, but based on who He is as revealed in His Word. In my waiting season, I found a place where God meets me to heal my broken heart.

There was one instance when one of my cousins gave birth to a cute baby girl. For the first time, I had the courage to sincerely congratulate someone for having a baby. As my cousin was telling me how happy she was for having a new baby, I heard a gentle whisper from God in the quietness of my heart, "You have me." His voice in my head was so loud, I couldn't help but cry.

In my waiting season, I found my contentment and joy in Jesus alone. I realized that He allowed me to be empty handed... no career, no children, so that I'll never have anything or anyone else to boast about, except Him, and what He has done in my life. He was all that I have, and I found out that He alone was enough.

I learned to be happy for others because He secured me that He has His own great plan and future prepared for me. I never have to compare myself to anyone because God taught me that my worth as a woman does not lie on my achievements, or worldly success or even in having children or not. Only God who created me has the right to define me...  And His Word says that I am His precious princess, loved with an everlasting love. I don't need to prove anything in order to gain my worth, there's nothing I can do that could make Him love me more or less. In my waiting season, I found out who I really am, and I never felt so free.

Throughout my journey, God gave me the passion to reach out to other women and share with them these things that I am learning about Him. I want them to also experience this joy and freedom that I found in my relationship with Him. He called me to disciple a group of single women, and as I see them growing in their relationship with God, and leading other women to Jesus too, I felt a sense of fulfillment that I've never felt before. In my waiting season, God revealed His purpose in my life. And that is to point people to Christ. He changed the desires of my heart and aligned them to His will. He taught me to dream bigger dreams. Dreams that will outlast my short life on earth. Dreams that will impact eternity.

Almost seven years later, and I am now finally holding our precious Baby Shiko in my arms. God answered my prayer, in His time, His way. But I'll never trade any single moment during those six years when I was most of the time alone in my room, alone with Him. My waiting years were not wasted years. My waiting years, looked like a season of drought and emptiness on the outside, but it turned out to be the most fruitful season of my life. In my season of waiting, God gave me more than what I have been praying and waiting for. God gave me HIMSELF... And He is the ultimate blessing in my season of waiting.