Bring The Rain

He was crying endlessly. His fever was so high and his antipyretic medicine doesn't seem to be working. Few days at the hospital and we haven't seen that much progress. My heart was crushed seeing my little baby suffer this much at such a young age. I began questioning every choice I have made in the last few months of being a parent. What did I do wrong? What have I failed to do? Maybe I have believed so much that my efforts to exclusively breastfeed my baby for almost 6 months would pay off and he would be exempted from ever getting sick. At times like these, I found that it's hard not to put the blame on myself as a Mom. As I watched my baby suffer, those self-condemning voices seemed to grow louder. In the midst of these voices, God gently whispered, "I am Sovereign. I decide what I want to allow to happen in your life, and it's always for your greater good." 

God was once again using this circumstance to teach me new lessons. And this is lesson number one: "Stop beating yourself up with self-condemnation when Baby Shiko's condition is not doing well... and stop "silently" claiming the glory when everything is going your way..."  He brought me to a point where I found myself just crying at His feet, helplessly begging Him to heal my baby. God was stripping off my pride and reminding me that Shiko's well being is all by His grace. All of my good intentions, my sleepless nights, my efforts to keep Baby Shiko healthy were good, but I should never forget that ultimately, my baby's life is in His hands.

Every blood extraction and IV line insertion was a huge challenge to the doctors and to Baby Shiko. There was an instance when he was poked almost ten times because they couldn't get a good vein in his tiny hands and feet. Shiko's eyes plead that he couldn't bear the needle pokes and the pain of his swollen neck anymore. He was shutting down, crying himself to sleep.

All of those was nothing compared to his pain during the incision and drainage procedure and biopsy. He was only on topical anesthesia because we didn't consent for him to be sedated. I have experienced assisting minor surgeries during my nursing days, but it was a different feeling when your child is the one going through the procedure. Watching him wailing and shouting in pain was almost unbearable to me. In the middle of the procedure, I asked myself why did I allow my baby to be in this table. Why can't I just take his place and let all of these pain be on me? He is only five months!

This is when lesson number two dawned upon me. God was teaching me, that as much as I love my baby, there will be sufferings in life that he will have to go through on his own. As he grows older, there will be more. I cannot shield him from pain, I can only hold his hand, and tell him that I love him and I will always be here. I can only pray for him and let him know, that no matter what happens, Jesus loves him and he'll make it through as he hold on tight to Him... I can only assure him that the suffering won't last forever, but at the end of it all, he shall come out stronger and braver. And my baby did. Such a strong child at such a young age. I'm so proud of him.

This experience gave me a glimpse of the heart of God. My baby experienced the pain of a scalpel incision because we willingly submitted him to the procedure for his own good. I can't imagine how painful it must have been for God the Father to see His only Son suffer the lashes, the thorns, the nails in the hands of unworthy sinners like us... yet, He willingly submitted Him to the Cross for the greater good of humanity. All because of Love.

We're now back home after two weeks at the hospital. Shiko is now doing well but still continuing his oral antibiotic for one more week. We couldn't be more grateful for everyone who prayed for him and our family throughout this journey. As always, God has once again proven His faithfulness. Times like these awaken us from slumber and bring us back closer to God. Indeed, He makes all things work together for good for those who love Him. And yes, if God needs to send us rain in order for us run towards Him again, in order for us learn what He wants us to learn, in order for us to know Him deeper, and to understand His heart.... then it's all good. The suffering is worth it.

🎶"Bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You. Jesus bring the rain."🎶 - Mercy Me