A Meltdown Moment

Shiko has always loved bath time eversince he was a newborn. He loves it more now that he has become a toddler and could play, pour,and splash the water on his own. The other day, Mike and I have experienced Shiko's worst meltdown (so far). Twice in one day, and both was when we needed to take Shiko out of the bathroom when he still wanted to play.

He was crying hysterically, throwing himself on the floor and refusing to get dressed. He has totally lost his self-control out of frustration because he cannot play in the bathroom anymore. Meltdown moments like these are stressful to parents (much worse if this happens in public places) and we all use different approaches in dealing with it. I hear some parents tell their kids to, "Stop Crying! I don't want to hear anything!" I am not sure how effective this is for them, but personally, I am not in favor of this approach, because it might work temporarily and the child would stop crying out of fear of being punished, but it will give him the impression that he is not  allowed to express his negative emotion and that he is only accepted when his mood or behavior is positive.

During the height of Shiko's meltdown, Mike started saying the words, "Shiko... I don't like that..." I immediately signaled Mike to stop and allow me to handle the situation. I sensed that this was the perfect opportunity for me to apply what I have learned from the book The Whole-Brain Child 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel M.D and Tina Payne Bryson PH.D. The book teaches us how to understand the developing brain of young children for us to better understand their behavior. In one chapter, the authors discussed about the Left and the Right hemispheres of the brain which have different functions. The left brain processes logic and order, while the right brain processes emotions and experiences. According to the book, during the first three years of a child's life, the right hemisphere of the brain is more dominant. This explains why children cry and throw tantrums over the silliest things. During meltdown moments, the right brain has completely taken over causing the child to loose control and not care about anything than what he feels at the moment. Trying to explain logic, scold or enforce a punishment will not really work at this time. Learning these totally changed my perspective in the way I respond to Shiko's behavior. Instead of thinking that he is being difficult when he's having a meltdown, I began to see that he is having a difficulty and he needs my help to learn to navigate his emotions.

During that meltdown moment, I followed what the book advised to do. I connected with his right brain by using my right brain also. Instead of scolding him or forcing him to stop crying, instead of logically explaining to him why he cannot play in the bathroom anymore, I used my emotions too and made him feel that I understood his feelings. I embraced him, rubbed his back, whispered a gentle hush and told him, "You feel sad because you cannot play in the bathroom anymore?... I understand... I am sorry that you feel sad... It's okay, Mama is here.." This went on for around 20-30mins, until he finally latched and fell asleep. He might not have stopped crying in an instant, but I know that I made him feel that it is safe for him to pour out his frustration, and that I still accept and love him even when he feels this way. I can make the explanations to him later on, when he is again in the mood and more receptive. Being gentle in my response doesn't mean that I am rewarding his negative behavior, I was still firm and did not allow him to play in the bathroom again despite his hysterical cries.

While Shiko was sleeping, Mike and I talked about what happened and the adjustments that we need to make now that Shiko is seeking for more independence and more time to play in the bathroom. We decided that we would always alot a few extra minutes for Shiko to play on his own during bath time so he will not feel rushed. Five minutes before the end of the bath play time we would tell him, "Okay Shiko, we're almost finished, Say goodbye na to the water... Goodbye water! Goodbye timba! Goodbye tabo!" This sets his mind that bath playtime will soon be over. We started applying these the last couple of days, and it was very efffective! Shiko would finish his bath time smiling, waving goodbye to the bathroom, and looking forward for next time.

Mike and I do not want Shiko to grow up just being forced to follow orders because of fear. We want him to grow up understanding genuine respect. We know that it will all start by us modeling to him that even if he is only a little child, we respect him -- his feelings, his likes and dislikes. We respect him the way we respect other grown ups. We want him to grow up understanding that we love and accept him even when he is having a bad mood, and that there is nothing that he can do to make us love him more or less. We love him because he is our child.

We always reflect on how God deals with His children in every way that we raise Shiko. After all, who else is the ultimate role model of being a parent but Him. God doesn't belittle, neglect or reject us when we pour out our feelings to Him, even if we throw our tantrums over the most senseless or silly things, He listens to us, comforts us, and accepts us.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." - Psalms 34:18

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." - Psalms 56:8

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." - 1 Peter 5:7

I love that the Bible uses the word "ALL" our worries and cares, "ALL" our tears in a bottle. Not only the worries and cares and tears that we shed on things that are logical, whatever it is that makes us feel sad and frustrated, God cares about it all. And it is safe to pour out our hearts to Him.