When God Breaks Your Heart

It's been a month since Mike died. The memory of those painful last days and conversations before he was intubated still lingers in my mind. The thought of that heartbreaking Thursday night when the resident doctor called to inform me that his heart has stopped beating breaks me down in tears every single night.

During Mike's wake, I promised myself that I will not question,  but wholeheartedly accept God's will. I promised to choose to be grateful and to not complain because I believe that this is the right thing to do. But the days and weeks following Mike's death was becoming harder to bear. It was inevitable. There were decisions that I had to make which only magnified the reality that we are already moving forward with our lives without him. There were nights when Shiko would ask hard questions, one time I overheard Shiko talking to himself, "Bakit mo sya pinauwi agad sa heaven? Konti palang yung memories namen ni Shiloh sknya?" 

Questions started flooding my mind, questions that I was avoiding to ask God. The reality of grief caught me off guard, and I was feeling a lot of different kinds of emotions all at the same time. Everytime I try to take one small step forward, I end up taking a step back when I remember why I have to move forward in the first place. Through it all, I was still trying to pull myself together. In my prayers, I just asked God for strength to get me through the day but never really unloaded the heaviness of my heart to Him.

Then there was one whole day of just crying and missing Mike. I looked at the clouds and I was longing to talk to him from that side of heaven. That night, I felt that God wanted to cut my heart open. He wanted me to just fall apart and be raw, honest and broken before Him. It was as if He was telling me, 

"Anak. Go. Give me the hard questions. Let me in the most painful places. Unload your burdens to me. I don't promise to give you answers, but I promise to give you Myself. My presence through all of these."

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” - Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬

And so that's what happened that night. For the first time in the few weeks after Mike died, I just fell apart, broken and bare before God.

"LORD, nasasaktan ako! I never doubted that You have the power to heal Him! Pero mas pinili mo ako saktan. Mas pinili mo na mawalan ng Daddy sila Shiko at Shiloh. Mas pinili mo na hindi na kame tumanda ng magkasama... Pero LORD, kahit nasaktan mo ko... Mahal pa rin kita. Pipiliin pa rin kita mahalin... dahil Sa'yo pa rin naman ako tatakbo eh. Ikaw lang ang meron ako. LORD, kapag nahihirapan ako maniwala at magtiwala sa pagmamahal Mo, please tulungan Mo po ako."

[Translation]: "LORD, I'm hurting! I never doubted that You have the power to heal Him! But You chose to hurt me. You chose for Shiko and Shiloh to loose their father. You chose to not allow us to grow old together. But LORD, eventhough You've hurt me. I still love You. I am choosing to love You... because I have nowhere else to run to but You. You are all I have. LORD, when I am having a hard time believing and trusting Your love for me, please help me."

I was sobbing in tears the whole time I was writing this in my journal. Right after I finished writing I just felt a heavy burden removed from my chest and I was able to sleep well. The next morning, I was looking at the clouds again while listening to the song "Healing is in Your Hands" by Cristy Nockels. This time, I just sensed the presence of God, and His still, small voice in my heart told me,

"Anak, handa ka na? Hahawakan ko ang kamay mo hanggang makabangon ka at makalakad muli. Then I will lead you to the purpose of this pain... One step at a time... You and Me, together. A new season awaits you... I have a great plan and purpose for you. If you let Me. If you trust Me. Will you?"

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬

That morning I realized that Mike's mission on earth has been accomplished, maybe it's time I start fulfilling mine. A lot of people are hurting nowadays, many are loosing loved ones and friends... many are having a hard time processing how God could allow so much pain and suffering in this world... maybe some people need to see how the battle looks like when there is a God fighting for you. Maybe my story could somehow testify that God is very real,  that even when He allows our hearts to break at times, He is still reaching out to us and He wants to reveal Himself to us in a very intimate way so He can use our pain for His purposes.. if only we would allow Him.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” - Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭

So I said yes to God. I handed the pieces of my broken heart to him, the unanswered questions, all the what if's and what could have beens... i decided to never let go of His hand as I take every single step towards moving forward... towards the healing that He alone can give, in His time... I said yes to God with eyes closed and filled with tears trusting Him to just lead the way and carry me through... onto the next season of my life... to my new journey... to wherever He will take me... all for His honor and glory.

“For I hold you by your right hand— I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.” - Isaiah‬ ‭41:13‬