In His Presence

Yesterday, my husband and I were talking about a vacation that he wants to have on his birthday this year. I don't know but for some reason, after our conversation, something was bothering me. I didn't do my normal quiet time (sitting in my favorite corner of the house with my cookies, chocolate milk, SheReadsTruth, Bible, journal, and worship music), instead I just laid down in bed and talked to Him in my "not so motivated" mood. I told Him, "Lord, here we go again. You let us dream and plan our goals, and then in the end You will ask us to choose between You and these dreams." I wasn't angry with the Lord, I just don't like the "guilt" feeling of wanting worldly things and ambitions. (The Lord has just brought us through a process where we realized the purpose and priorities that He wants for us). I told Him, "Lord, if You will not give these to us, please just don't let us think about them!" That was the honest cry of my heart! I praise God that I can be straight forward and honest to Him about how I feel. Before I went to bed, I prayed, "Lord, You know my heart. You know I love you. Please help me overcome this struggle."

I woke up still not in the mood. This is not new to me. When I have an unsettled issue with God, I have this kind of restless feeling. But from my past experiences with Him, I knew He will make a way to speak to me, and I was waiting for it. I checked my email and found this message from an anonymous sender:

The verse that she put in the last part hit me: ARISE QUICKLY FOR THE LORD! (Acts 12:7) I couldn't help but cry! Then I remember Exodus 33 when God was telling Moses to bring His people to the promised land. He said that He will fulfill His promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, He will give the land to them. He will even send an angel to win battles for them. They can get all the milk and honey that they want... but His presence will not go with them.

I love that Moses insisted on not going without His presence. He knew that not the angels nor the milk and honey could ever be compared to the joy of being in the Lord's presence! And that is exactly what He is trying to reveal to me! Surely, I'd be happy to have those dream vacations, material possessions that I've been dreaming about. But it is nothing compared to the joy of knowing that He is with me! To the overwhelming love that I feel when I come broken and honest before Him about my struggles, and then waking up with an e-mail speaking clearly of what He wants to tell me! Sometimes even Him speaking to me in my dreams and then confirming that it was Him through His Word when I woke up... the countless times when I experience His Grace in impossible situations, physical and emotional struggles.

I repent for doubting that He doesn't want to give me my heart's desires. I know that He does not want to withhold good things from me, but He has other more important matters that He wants to accomplish in me -- My character, my purpose, and most important of all my knowledge of Him. He cares more for me to get to know and understand the depth of His love to me, and if He has to delay the answer to my prayers, my dreams, my desires He will choose to do that. He gives more than what I am praying for, He gives Himself to me.

Oh! The joy of being in His presence! 

Listening to:
Here in Your Presence by New Life Worship