Confessions of a Disrespectful Wife

Yesterday, our Pastor's message was about getting up when we stumble. He talked about our Achilles Heel, our weakest point, the area where we keep stumbling, the area where Satan loves to keep us trapped. I was strongly convicted by the message and I immediately identified my Achilles Heel -- the past few months, I've been struggling in the area of Respect to my Husband.

Admitting and sharing this struggle in my blog is not easy for me. In fact, there were so many times, when I felt tempted to be self-righteous and compare myself with other wives just to feel better and somehow minimize the gravity of my disrespectful attitude. In my mind, I'd say -- "Hey, I don't nag my husband; I don't talk back to him or use a disrespectful tone when I speak to him; I don't argue with him about our finances like most wives do..."  

BUT --  my thoughts. I have allowed my thoughts to be the playground of Satan when I am irritated with my husband. Yes, I don't verbally disrespect him, but in my mind, I do! I shout back at him with my thoughts, I think of negative things about him... and there were times when I could no longer keep it in my mind that he sees it in my physical  response. Out of the abundance of the heart, my facial expressions speak.

For the past months, I took this sin lightly, thinking that as long as I don't verbally disrespect my husband, it's okay. But NO! Disrespecting my husband whether in words, actions, or thoughts is a SIN! God doesn't take it lightly so I have no right to take it lightly! Disrespecting my husband that way breaks the heart of my Lord, and when I realized that, it broke my heart too. Any sin, little or big in our eyes has consequences. If I continue allowing this sin in my life, I knew that it is like a termite that would little by little destroy and steal the joy in our marriage.

This morning, during my quiet time, I admitted my sin and repented to God. I told Him that I want to face this struggle once and for all. I told Him that I want to grow and not allow Satan to have a control over me in this area. Actually, the moment I uttered that prayer, I knew I had to prepare. I knew that He will provide an environment for me to address that ugly attitude. True enough, He did.

Right after my quiet time, as I was doing my morning routine of cleaning the house, I unexpectedly did something that irritated my husband. Like me, Mike is far from perfect. He has his own struggles and areas of growth which the Lord is also dealing with, but it is not right to use them as an excuse to disrespect him. He is accountable to his actions, and I am also accountable to God with my response. God can use even our husband's weaknesses to address our own. I knew this is God's way of refining my character, of answering my prayer to grow in the area of respect. This is my weakest point right now, and the test is to not allow myself to disrespect him in my thoughts even when I feel like being pushed to my limits.

He went out for a while -- this is his way of overcoming his struggle in anger. I was left in the kitchen preparing our lunch. It was hard to control my thoughts and not to think of negative things about my husband when we are in this kind of situation. Aside from that, the voice of the accuser was condemning me telling me, "See, I told you, you don't have the right to teach about Submission & Respect to the wives that you disciple... You don't have the right to teach the Bible at all!.. It's hard, you can't do it!"

In the outburst of my emotions, I suddenly shouted, "Get behind me Satan! I rebuke you in Jesus Name, for I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" After I said those words, I burst in tears, like a little child crying at the feet of Jesus, telling Him -- "Lord, this is so hard... I need you, I'm depending on Your Grace alone... I can't do this on my own..."

The song "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship kept repeating in my head.. "I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me... My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will.." It is through our struggles when we are humbled down and reminded of our need to depend on God. When we stumble, Satan wants us to stay down, but God wants us to GET UP!

As Pastor Peter Tan-Chi said yesterday:
Genuine faith doesn't mean perfect or flawless faith 
-- Genuine Faith means GROWING FAITH! 

"He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead... no unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God."

- Romans 4:19,20

After the whole morning of this emotional roller coaster,  I found this beside my laptop. I am such an undeserving wife, an undeserving person -- standing, walking, and living in the Grace of God alone. Mike and I both know, that we are still a work in progress, but we are trusting that He who began a good work in us, will be faithful to complete it as long as we continue to cooperate and obey Him.

What area are you struggling in your life right now? Surrender it to Jesus. Growth and freedom will only come the moment we admit our weaknesses and allow Him to work in our lives. :)