Dear Baby Shiko

As I am writing this, you are already sleeping soundly on my chest. Yes, it's been almost four months, and you still wouldn't sleep anywhere else but on my chest, feeling the warmth of my skin, and hearing the beat of my heart, while your chubby arms are wrapped around my body.

It's been another beautiful day with you. I woke up with your cute little eyes staring at me. My heart melted as you greeted me with the sweetest smile first thing in the morning. We read about Joshua and the Walls of Jericho during our Bible reading time. I love how you respond with your babbles and coos everytime I flip the pages of your Picture Bible, as if you are understanding what we are reading. I read Psalm 91, and sang my prayers over you. That has been our morning routine for the last 4 months.

And the day went on just like most of the other days... with lots of latching, and playing, and laughing, and crying, and carrying, and rocking, and singing, and pooping, and diaper changing... and latching again... and the cycle goes on and on until you get tired and sleepy and find your home back on my chest again.

Sometimes you would fall asleep as early as 6pm and I have no other choice but to lie down with you whether I am sleepy too or not. And all I have is my phone on my hand in this dark, cold room. I would read, research, and study about anything to make sure I give and do what's best for you.... as if being a good mother could really be learned through the world wide web.

Sometimes I get upset with myself too. When I can't seem to understand what you need. When you are crying and I can't figure out why.... and I feel afraid that you might be hurting somewhere, and if I could just transfer that pain to me.. I would. But I can't, so all I can do is comfort you with my embrace, while rubbing your back and whispering a gentle hush. My heart breaks everytime.

Forgive me baby, when I'm trying to be the best mom for you, but still, I fail.... I fail at consistently keeping your nails short, I sometimes miss out waking up at night to change your diaper, and at times, I am unable to pacify you when you are already too exhausted and too tired of crying. I fail, and I know that I will still continue to fail from time to time as you grow up, but I'll never stop trying. I'll never stop reminding myself that my failures as your Mom don't define me. My worth and identity is still, only defined by how Jesus sees me -- His precious daughter.

Thank you Baby. Thank you, because your every smile, every giggle, every burp, every blank stare, every weight gain, every healthy Pedia visit, every unli latch, every long hours of uninterrupted sleep... they tell me that somehow I am doing something right, something purposeful. Thank you because you have no idea how God is using you to grow me up into the woman He desires me to be. Thank you because I never knew that this kind of love ever exists, until you came.

Mommy 💖