An Amazing Promise

A few days ago, I received an e-mail from my OB that my laboratory results showed that I have an Immunologic Disorder Category 1 which probably was the reason why I lost my pregnancy last month. It was basically my own immune system's failure to identify the good cell and the bad cell in my body that it attacked the developing baby inside me. It means that we need to undergo another course of treatment before trying to get pregnant to make sure that it won't happen again.

After all the physical and emotional pain that I went through after I lost the pregnancy, I really felt closer to God. By His grace, Mike and I tried so hard to re-align with Him, and to obey what He wanted us to do. I spent more time with Him and I felt that my relationship with Him was really growing. It was an amazing feeling. All the while, I thought that everything was going to be okay moving forward. I was really upset after reading the e-mail. I thought of the process that I will have to go through again with this new course of treatment. I knew it was going to be physically, emotionally, and financially draining again.These things occupied my mind that I started feeling sulked with God. The "Hey, I thought we were close?" feeling. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask Him but I knew that it isn't His nature to answer the questions starting with the word "Why?" 

The next three days were even worse. Well, I still prayed. I read my journal so that I could remember the journey that I had with Him and so that I could recall how He walked with me through the good and bad times in my life. During my quiet moments in the morning, I still read the Bible, but it seemed like God was silent, I haven't heard anything from Him during those days. And I started to feel more withdrawn from Him. I didn't feel like praying anymore, I didn't feel like going to church. I knew it was an enemy attack. I knew it was pride. The "You don't talk to me, I don't want to talk to You too anymore" attitude. During the whole time I remembered God's Word, to "Remain in Me, and I will remain in you (John 15:4)." And so I still tried to pray even if I didn't feel like doing it. I told Him that I was hurting and I was struggling but I'm still here. 

I told Mike what I was going through and asked him to pray for me. He has been very patient and understanding with my situation. He knew it was a process that I needed to go through with my relationship with God. However, the problem started to affect my relationship with Mike. I got easily irritated during a simple conversation. I did not disrespect him verbally, but when I was irritated I shouted at him and answered him back in my thoughts. I even made faces while he was not looking. I suddenly did not feel the delight in serving him. Until yesterday, while we were in the church, out of my mood swing, I made an unconscious gesture that irritated him and provoked him to get angry. On our way home, he was still mad while we were in the car. And then as soon as we got home, he just opened a can of corned beef and without talking to me, he left the house again. I really felt bad. Who should I run to when the very person that I expected to understand has also lost temper on me?

I went back to God and told Him I do not know what to do anymore. I repent of being proud and for disrespecting my husband that way. I told Him that I am so helpless and that I am afraid of what's going to happen in the future, but I put my trust in Him and just ask for Him never to leave my side.

After three hours, Mike came home. He still didn't talk to me, he went directly to bed. I ate dinner alone and when I went to bed, I thought he was already sleeping. I embraced him, and he suddenly embraced me back. He was weeping when he asked me, 

"Ano bang kinakatakot mo? Gusto kong malaman mo na kahit gaano pa katindi ang pagdaanan mo, kahit magkaron ka pa ng pinaka malalang sakit, hinding hindi kita iiwan. Nandito lang ako para sayo."  
(Translation: "What are you so fearful about? I want to let you know that no matter what happens, and no matter if you have the worst kind of sickness or condition, I will never leave you.") 

Those words melted my heart. I felt like it was God speaking to me. Mike's statement was an assurance from Him. Mike told me how much he missed her cheerful wife. The wife that laughs with him, plays with him, shares stories with him, and takes care of him. It broke my heart that I haven't been the wife that I have always been to him during the past days, and yet, in his effort to understand what I was going through, he never spoke about it. I said sorry and told him how much I need him as my leader to always guide me. It was God's grace that He gave me a husband like him. A husband who leads me back to Him when I am lost, a reference to always remind me of His unconditional love. 

This morning, God's message in my quiet time was an amazing promise: 

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 

God's voice was so loud when He told me, "Do not be afraid, I'm here for you. When you don't hear anything from me, can't you just trust that I love you and I have a great plan for your future?" Oh yes Lord! How could I ever doubt Your love and care for me just because I got upset with an email and I thought you weren't listening, when You died for my sins. 

Today I was reminded, to live 'in the now' and not think so much of the past or worry so much about the future. Every single day is a gift from God so I have to rejoice in it and be grateful. This experience also reminded me, that even my faith in God is a grace from Him, that the enemy is waiting for an opportunity to attack and draw my heart away from my Savior and Lord, and so I need to surrender my faith to Him every single day. When my relationship with Him is not okay, everything else is not okay so I need to always remain in Him, the True Vine so I can bear fruit (John 15:4). Lastly, I was reminded of God's wonderful gift of marriage. That my husband will always be a reminder from Him that I will never ever face this world alone.